How to Numb a Heart

They say it's a gift to be sensitive,

That emotions make us human.

But your words fall into icy hands

And fall lifeless at my bare, frozen feet.

 

Trying so hard to numb the pain,

I'm trying so desperately to freeze.

My emotions are killing me inside out,

Tell me how can I stop my heart?

 

I am a lost ship at sea drowning in salt.

Tell me how I can cut my nerves apart?

I don't care what you say my only goal

Is to find a way to numb my heart.

 

I am dying, I am drowning.  I can't hear you.

I've gone too far this time, I don't trust myself.

Am I doing this all wrong?  I just want to

Stop feeling these emotions that drown me.

 

My heart is so fragile I can feel it breaking,

I become a surgeon and try to mend the tears.

Ice spreads and grows, I keep the chemicals pressed.

To stifle my nerve endings, to save my brokenness. 

 

Tell me please what I want to hear.

I'm killing myself but can't feel the pain.

The more I scream the less I hear,

So tell me how to numb my heart.

 

*********************************************************

 

My poems are the words of my heart.  Treat them gently, humans.

 

 



unraveling

sunset fades, its colors swirl,

and melt into a purple shroud.

reds are bleeding, are dripping, into

the oncoming, devouring night.

time unravels, a mad dance through

the sky.  colors unraveling, unwinding,

into black.  black is nothing but shades

of blue so even the night is reversing.

the wind, it blows the sky to shreds, it

tears the trees and turns back the time

from running too quickly and jumping

ahead.  it's all an intricate game.

time will tear, and colors burn, as the

world grates and sparks on its heels.

you can only unravel colors so far

before the wind unwinds itself, too.

***********************************************************************************

   //it's all just a horrid game we play, dancing with our demons and shying from the light.  but if you take my hand, i can show you a better world where you are no longer alone//



Paper Bag Lungs

Breath.

Air that trickles down your

throat and fills the

paper bags in your chest.

Breathe.

Inhale the dry liquid.

Fill the paper bags.

Can you hear them crackle,

crackle

crackle

In the cavity next to your heart?

I have paper bag lungs.

They are noisy as hell.

Like

an accordion they

pump, inflate, outflate,

inhale, exhale, repeat.

Like

an accordion they

accompany every movement

with soft protests of music.

Can you hear the music?

Wheezing

Wheezing

The deathly chords play

in the paper bags I call lungs.

The sound is my orchestra.

Paper

crackles and crumples,

Yet my instruments of life

are fragile and easy to tear.

Paper

fills my chest and drowns out

the beating of my heart with

tearing, ripping, struggling gasps.

I can feel the tears leaking air.

Gasping

Gasping

Gulping to fill the paper bags.

Trying to swallow more air than I can

because my paper bag lungs are torn.

Lungs.

You never realize how much

your cardboard body needs them.

Those invisible paper accordions.

Lungs.

They are supposed to help the heart

play the music of your life in the

symphony of your breathing

Breathing

Stopping

Screaming but your lungs are gone.

Crumpled into wads of tissue.

Oh, how dangerous our paper bags can be.

****************************************************************************************************************

~Dedicated to all my fellow asthmatics~

Sea of Stardust

Rolling golden waves in the night,

Gently hissing, pouring, swirling,

Flashes of sun and star combined

In the sea of stardust.

 

A shooting orb is swallowed by the gold

And burns out with a bright, raw cry.

Its glowing life force joins the ocean

Of liquid, melting stardust.

 

As sand in the Sahara, as the gold on a beach,

Baked in the suns of a million universes,

Burning the feet of tumbling asteroids,

Thus shimmers the brilliant sea of stardust.

 

Roiling, churning, whirlpools and maelstroms,

The cry of the ocean is the singing of celestial voices.

Tinted with every color that glitter possesses,

A desert of magic and death.

 

Like quicksand, the dust drags you in,

Cold fire crawls up your nose and eyes, taking your life,

Whispering the longing song of the night

As it drags you to join the ocean of light.

 

There, twinkling somewhere in the night,

A desert patch is seen of gold and ice.

A howling wasteland of singing stars

Is the dangerous sea of stardust.

***************************************************************************************************************

I meant to do a New Year post......but then Life happened.  (I hate Life sometimes)

So until school and Life slows down* I will just post aesthetics and poetry because this new year is gonna be a good one full of happy INFP things, eh folks?

*aka until I stop being lazy and procrastinating

Au revoir, mes amis!



Dreamers and Writers

Milky golden coffee stains my papers

I set my ceramic mug down to keep

The whispers in the air from stealing my words.

 

Air dipped in ice tickles the back of my neck

I pull up my cocoon of knitted carmine

To discourage the playful breeze in its game.

 

Pen traces paths in its graceful dance across the paper

Ink blossoming from its copper mouth like a kiss

A deadly kiss that brings life while killing the page beneath.

 

Soul and words meet in the intricate dance

Make love on paper to set free the whispers

The unspoken murmurs of my heart. 

 

Patterns run, ink glistens, black as night shadows

Paper gives birth to invisible offspring,

Worlds and people and ideas that take up residence in my soul.

***********************************************************************************


One more day until 2016 is over, then a new year will dawn in all of it's newborn excitement and curiosity.  Are you excited? 

To close, here is my new favorite song in the entire world.  You know when you find that song that makes you tear up because it feels so right.  The words echo the music in your soul and you feel like the music understands you. 


Here's a song for all you dreamers out there. 

Here's to all of you dreamers and writers out there.  One day more!  Any plans for New Year's Eve?

the language of color

pastels
my mind is filled with color
i think in color
i dream my life
in shades of color
light blue
the color of seashells in the morning
i smile at a thought
my mind is not normal
i think in colors of pale pink
like the inside of a teacup
yellow like fresh butter
peaceful bliss in my head
a world where the gates bar all
outsiders from picking the flowers
 
fifty different shades of green
color is the language of my head
do other people speak words in their head?
i speak color
butterflies of vibrant blue and maroon brush
against the half-processed thoughts


my emotions
are the color of the universe
a galaxy in my skull
like the sea it rises
overflows and drips onto the sizzling sand
do other people feel in colors?
close my eyes
i see a world bubbling and
lighting my way
 
vibrant shades and hues
the colors of black and deep red
red like blood
red like anger
red mixed with the galaxy makes
a feeling
 
i can feel the universe behind my eyelids
it's pushing at my brain
there are a million shades of black crowded behind the gates
the colors guide the way from my eyes
through life they show me
the color of a snail's shell in dew
the color of a raven's wing in the sun
the shades of grass
the ideas that sound like sky blue
taste like sky blue
feel like sky blue
 
can you feel the colors speaking behind your eyelids?


*****************************************************************
If only we could use colors to speak in this world.  It's so difficult to communicate the thoughts in my head into words....


I am discontent with this blog.  I want to change, to make it better, to be more like the other and better blogs out there, but I'm torn in so many directions. 


I'll probably only be posting poetry here for a while, so hang in there, my darling potatoes. 


On a side note: it doesn't feel like Christmas.  Do you think so?

Thoughts?  Do you speak color in your head?  Does it feel Christmas-y to you?

Mini Movie Reviews

So I don't know about you potatoes, but I love the movie theater.  Lovelovelove. 


The dark, velvet aura, the buttery, warm smell of popcorn, the anticipation in the air, it's just such a wonderful place! 


That being said, there have been some really excellent movies that came out recently and so I shall give to you my tiny mini reviews of said films.  Because you know you want my opinion.  That's why you're here, is it not?


Let's get started!


Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

I've never actually seen any of the Harry Potter movies before.  And I've only read two books so a lot of the references probably went right over my head. 


But this was a good good film, folks.


Quick Summary:


Newt Scamander, a Hufflepuff magizoologist, comes to New York. 

He's on a special mission with a suitcase full of magical creatures.

One such creature is the Niffler (my favorite).

it likes shiny things

Anyway, so this happens:

So Newt, with his newfound friends, have to track down the loose creatures before more bad things happen, because lots of bad, dark things are happening in New York and the wizards are blaming the loose magical creatures.  Also there are a bunch of scary Puritan-like witch-hunters to worry about. 

But actually there is.  Lots.  Poor cinnamon roll.  He just wants to protect his creatures.


And that was a rubbish summary but MOVING ON.




Things I Loved:

• The characters!!  The characters were so marvelously crafted...you loved them, you felt sorry for them, you rooted for them, you shipped them *ahem*, and the ones that were good were absolutely lovable and the nasty ones were downright creepy.  But you still felt sorry for some of them.
• The imagery.  WOAH.   I mean, WOAH.  This was a beautiful film.  The colors were just so rich and bronzy and beautiful, and the scenery was fabulous, and the creatures were so life-like.  Even if I had no idea what was going on, this movie was an absolute treat for my eyes. 
• The beasts.  Each one was so unique and odd and just perfectly awesome.  And Newt's bond with them was so adorable....he loved the creatures and they loved him and just go see the movie, okay?

Things I didn't love:

• The whole reincarnated Puritan witch-hunter thing.  Remember that dark part of history?  When the Protestant Puritans went on a witch-burning rampage?  Yeah not such a good time in history for anyone who could swim or so much as blinked the wrong way.  So this movie basically brought those people back.  The austere, wrathful people who thought they were doing God's will by cleansing the earth of such people.  *groans and shakes head in exasperation*  I mean, great plot thingie!  But as a Catholic, I wasn't so fond of the whole bringing religion into it.  This is a fictional story with magic, so why have the opposing force be a real religion? 
• We have to wait two whole years for the next movie to come out.  That is too long.  I WANT MORE NEWT AND TINA AND FANTASTICAL BEASTS. 

Out of 5, I rate this film a 4.5.  It was truly fantastic. 

Doctor Strange

You are all going to hate me for this.  But Doctor Strange wasn't one of my favorite Marvel films. 


Quick Summary:


Dr. Stephen Strange, a neurosurgeon, loses the ability of his hands after a car accident. 

So he goes to the Ancient One in a desperate attempt to be healed, but instead ends up staying on to learn the mystical arts in different realities and universes. 

So he learns magic and has to defeat the bad guy who is trying to take over the earth and destroy humanity basically.  (Very original, Marvel.) 


And....that's about it?


Things I loved:

• Benedict Cumberbatch. 
• The White Witch (The Ancient One)
• The Cloak of Levitation that literally had a mind of its own

• The richness of the costumes and CGI. 
• The after-credit scenes. OMGGSHGLSHGSLGH. *flails and cackles hysterically*

Things I didn't love:

• The characters.  Unlike other Marvel films, the characters here were pretty shallow and stereotypical.  I didn't feel an attachment to them, and frankly they were pretty boring. 
• The plot.  I am still completely confused about what the heck was going on.  They didn't explain the whole other worlds/mystical powers thing very well....
• The names.  WHAT WERE THEIR NAMES EVEN I HAVE NO IDEA THEY WERE SO EXOTIC AND yep I had no idea what most of their names were. 
• The whole twisting reality thing.  This is just a personal thing, but the trippy turning reality inside out and upside down in the mirror world really made my head hurt. 

Overall?  It just didn't feel like a Marvel film.  It felt like a weird fantasy sci-fi film that needed more work on deepening the characters and more backstory. 


Out of 5, I give it a 2.7. 


But most of my friends saw it and LOVED it, so hey, this is just my opinion here.  Go see it.  (Because it's MARVEL)

Moana

Woah.  This is my favorite Disney princess movie ever.  I know a lot of you were going "ugh it's gonna be like Frozen and another stupid princess movie that's politically correct"


BUT NO THIS IS AMAZING.


Quick summary:


Moana is a Hawaiian princess who has a special connection with the ocean.

She loves the ocean, but her parents want her to become chief of the island.  (Now I know what you're thinking, so stop it.) 


A darkness is spreading over the ocean, so she ventures out to find the demigod Maui who stole the heart of Tafiti (a goddess island thing) to put it back and stop the darkness from spreading. 


The demigod Maui does not like Moana.  Their journey is an interesting and quite entertaining one.

ANYWAY.  It's amazing. 


Things I loved:

• DID I MENTION BOTH OF HER PARENTS ARE NOT DEAD.  How rare is that in Disney movies?  And they have a loving sweet relationship, and her parents are AWESOME and I love them.  Also her grandma.  Okay all the characters and family in this were awesome and hilarious and aggghhhh.
• It was unique.  We finally get a princess from a tropical island who sails and doesn't fit the traditional European mold! 
• She didn't have a waist the size of her neck, thank you Disney for making a realistic looking girl. 
• The characters were deep and touching and hilarious and so much feels. 
• It didn't feel politically correct.  In other words, it wasn't like Frozen. 
• The songs were amazing and catchy and I must learn them all now.

Things I didn't love:

• Why does every Disney movie now have a weird song that no one really likes or knows why the heck it's even in there?  Well yes so there was a song that the crab monster sang and it was totally unnecessary.
• It was too short.  I wanted more of this gorgeous tropical feelsy film.

Also baby Moana is the most adorable thing ever. 


Out of 5, I give this a 4.8. 


GO WATCH IT.  

Hacksaw Ridge

Saved the best for last.  This is the newest Mel Gibson film starring Andrew Garfield in which I sobbed grossly because this was a truly amazing film. 


Quick Summary:


Based on the true story of Desmond Doss, a Seventh Day Adventist who joined the army during WWII as a medic but refused to pick up or use a gun.

Persecuted for his beliefs, he struggles on and shows true Christian love the whole way. 

When they reached Japan, they had to take Hacksaw Ridge, he alone stayed on the battlefield to save his injured comrades after the Battle of Okinawa and became a hero. 


Things I loved:

• It was a true story.  It is one of the most inspiring war films I've ever seen. 
• Desmond Doss was an amazing person.  Andrew Garfield captured him MARVELOUSLY.  His faith, his innocence, his steadfastness and sense of right and wrong, his devotion.  Oh my word.  It was beautiful. 
• The chemistry between the characters.  You grew to love them all.  They were funny, sincere, and you rooted for them all.

Things I didn't love:

• Nothing.  I loved it all.

This was a truly amazing film.  It was very violent and graphic on the battlefield, even more gory than Band of Brothers and probably a lot of other war films out there.  But so good.  So inspiring. 

Out of 5?  I give this a 10. 


Whew that was a long post. 


Have you seen any of these films?  What did you think?